I Am On a Packed Dance Floor
Tonight, I remembered why I started this blog in the first place. I started this blog just after I was fired from my last job. Back then, I knew that what I was about to go through was going to be very hard and I was very depressed and I needed something creative to focus on. I wanted to document the shit I was going through and hopefully show the beginning and the end of this struggle online for people to watch develop. I thought up the name “The Suspense is Killing Me”, as if what you were about to read was going to be a story and everybody reading was waiting for the dramatic end. How exiting it was going to be! Then I got a job and I started posting boring observations and then some photos and this blog turned into pretty much like every other piece of shit thing you see online.
Things change. It comes and goes. Get used to it.
I – Money
A few months ago, my Canada and Ontario student loans ended their 5 year limit of interest relief. When you are on interest relief, you don’t have to make monthly payments, but interest is still added to the outstanding balance. I owe something like 24 thousand dollars to the government in student loans, Ontario being something like 4 grand and Canada being the big remainder.
Right now, my Canada loan has been sent to a collection agency and I await their first friendly phone call. Should be good times when that happens. The Ontario loan is in a holding pattern right now and I have to make payments of 15 dollars every month for 6 months. After the six months pass I figure that will go to a collection agency as well.
I’ve owed my dentist about 400 bucks for almost 2 years now. I’ve gotten it down to about 90 so far, but they are threatening to send me to a collection agency for the money.
Taxes were due last month. I didn’t even bother to do them because I know I will be owing money, most likely over 200.
Sandra took me to see Green Day a few weeks ago and it was an incredible concert that I will remember for the rest of my life as one of the best performances I have ever seen, but on the 40 minute walk home the only thing that I could think of was “That’s another 70 bucks I owe to somebody.”
3 weeks ago, I had a meeting with my bosses at work. They told me if I don’t make 4000 dollars for the company this month, I am fired. In my current situation, I know I am not in the right mindset to be confident enough on the phone to convince a complete stranger to buy something they have never heard of before. If I were them, I wouldn’t listen to me either… I will be out of a job before the next sun rises. I am afraid that if I go in tomorrow, I am going to have the anxiety attack that I think I am on the brink of.
II - The Unreal
I went to see Star Wars tonight and it was amazing. As I watched the movie, the real world went away and I thought of nothing but the story. What a great experience that was. When I came home, I checked my bank balance. 150 bucks. The real world came back and I felt helpless again.
One hour into writing this, I went out for a smoke and watched the spotlights from the hockey arena downtown light up the clouds. The Moon was almost full as well and there was a cool glow to all the clouds. I watched the spotlights make circles in the sky for 2 minutes and thought “Wow. That would make an amazing 4 second exposure shot if I could learn how to do it…”. The real world went away and all I thought of was the photo that I was seeing in my head.
I’ve been that way my whole life. I concentrate so much on things that are supposed to be secondary thoughts that the important things go away and don’t return in time to save me. It’s too hard and confusing to concentrate on money and people and life and being normal, why not just forget about all of that and “dream”? Man, I would make a great drug dealer!
III - Sand Dune
On Saturday, Sandra and I went out and did stuff. It was fun to get out and do stuff. She’s awesome, that Sandra is; always trying to help me and being there and all that. She wants and needs and deserves more than what I am able to give her, and yet she is still there, which is comforting to know.
I know that I need to get out more to get better, but when I am in a certain kind of mood, being around people that are happy and wanting to have a good time has the opposite effect on me and makes me feel a whole lot worse. I feel like shit for admitting it, but nothing can make me feel better when I am determined to feel like shit. Just leave me alone and remember that I would be nothing without you. That sounds like an oxy-moron, doesn’t it?
She’s professed her love to me. She was really worried I would freak out about that when she told me. Why would anyone get angry at being told that someone loves them? It’s a great thing to know. I wish I could be what she wants and hold her hand and send her flowers and tell her that I love her as well, but I am not strong or smart enough right now to be that. Having someone being in love with me is a confusing thing to me right now and I still don’t understand a lot about it so I don’t want to write about that right now.
IV – The Real
Ever wonder what’s in a person’s mind when they have an anxiety attack?
“The world is attacking me, making me do things that I don’t want to do. All I want to do is go home. I think I am having a heart attack. I hate being forced into things like this right out of nowhere. I can’t breathe. I am on a packed dance floor full of happy people and I am just standing there not dancing and everybody is looking at me. My chest feels numb. I can’t feel my mind. I don’t want any of this I just want to go home and I know I look as uncomfortable as I feel right now and everybody knows it I don’t want anyone to tell me what to do and the world is always doing that my head is full of bees and I can’t hear anything I can’t concentrate I can’t concentrate I have to get out of here I really have to get out of here.”
For good or ill, tomorrow is another day.
Things change. It comes and goes. Get used to it.
I – Money
A few months ago, my Canada and Ontario student loans ended their 5 year limit of interest relief. When you are on interest relief, you don’t have to make monthly payments, but interest is still added to the outstanding balance. I owe something like 24 thousand dollars to the government in student loans, Ontario being something like 4 grand and Canada being the big remainder.
Right now, my Canada loan has been sent to a collection agency and I await their first friendly phone call. Should be good times when that happens. The Ontario loan is in a holding pattern right now and I have to make payments of 15 dollars every month for 6 months. After the six months pass I figure that will go to a collection agency as well.
I’ve owed my dentist about 400 bucks for almost 2 years now. I’ve gotten it down to about 90 so far, but they are threatening to send me to a collection agency for the money.
Taxes were due last month. I didn’t even bother to do them because I know I will be owing money, most likely over 200.
Sandra took me to see Green Day a few weeks ago and it was an incredible concert that I will remember for the rest of my life as one of the best performances I have ever seen, but on the 40 minute walk home the only thing that I could think of was “That’s another 70 bucks I owe to somebody.”
3 weeks ago, I had a meeting with my bosses at work. They told me if I don’t make 4000 dollars for the company this month, I am fired. In my current situation, I know I am not in the right mindset to be confident enough on the phone to convince a complete stranger to buy something they have never heard of before. If I were them, I wouldn’t listen to me either… I will be out of a job before the next sun rises. I am afraid that if I go in tomorrow, I am going to have the anxiety attack that I think I am on the brink of.
II - The Unreal
I went to see Star Wars tonight and it was amazing. As I watched the movie, the real world went away and I thought of nothing but the story. What a great experience that was. When I came home, I checked my bank balance. 150 bucks. The real world came back and I felt helpless again.
One hour into writing this, I went out for a smoke and watched the spotlights from the hockey arena downtown light up the clouds. The Moon was almost full as well and there was a cool glow to all the clouds. I watched the spotlights make circles in the sky for 2 minutes and thought “Wow. That would make an amazing 4 second exposure shot if I could learn how to do it…”. The real world went away and all I thought of was the photo that I was seeing in my head.
I’ve been that way my whole life. I concentrate so much on things that are supposed to be secondary thoughts that the important things go away and don’t return in time to save me. It’s too hard and confusing to concentrate on money and people and life and being normal, why not just forget about all of that and “dream”? Man, I would make a great drug dealer!
III - Sand Dune
On Saturday, Sandra and I went out and did stuff. It was fun to get out and do stuff. She’s awesome, that Sandra is; always trying to help me and being there and all that. She wants and needs and deserves more than what I am able to give her, and yet she is still there, which is comforting to know.
I know that I need to get out more to get better, but when I am in a certain kind of mood, being around people that are happy and wanting to have a good time has the opposite effect on me and makes me feel a whole lot worse. I feel like shit for admitting it, but nothing can make me feel better when I am determined to feel like shit. Just leave me alone and remember that I would be nothing without you. That sounds like an oxy-moron, doesn’t it?
She’s professed her love to me. She was really worried I would freak out about that when she told me. Why would anyone get angry at being told that someone loves them? It’s a great thing to know. I wish I could be what she wants and hold her hand and send her flowers and tell her that I love her as well, but I am not strong or smart enough right now to be that. Having someone being in love with me is a confusing thing to me right now and I still don’t understand a lot about it so I don’t want to write about that right now.
IV – The Real
Ever wonder what’s in a person’s mind when they have an anxiety attack?
“The world is attacking me, making me do things that I don’t want to do. All I want to do is go home. I think I am having a heart attack. I hate being forced into things like this right out of nowhere. I can’t breathe. I am on a packed dance floor full of happy people and I am just standing there not dancing and everybody is looking at me. My chest feels numb. I can’t feel my mind. I don’t want any of this I just want to go home and I know I look as uncomfortable as I feel right now and everybody knows it I don’t want anyone to tell me what to do and the world is always doing that my head is full of bees and I can’t hear anything I can’t concentrate I can’t concentrate I have to get out of here I really have to get out of here.”
For good or ill, tomorrow is another day.
posted by apoxuponme at 2:45 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home