Kenny Irons

I normally don’t browse college football websites basically because most people that are into football strongly enough to actually read about it on the internet are worthless losers and deserve to be shot and their corpses pissed upon, but someone interviewed Kenny Irons, a running back for the Auburn Tigers recently and I was rather amused at his nerdy responses.

The more amusing things my new favourate football player said during the interview is highlighted in bold for you viewing pleasure.

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Question: If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing that you would buy and why?

Answer: “I would buy a huge house. When you are young you idolize people and they have big, huge houses. They have these big houses with all these different rooms. They are so nice and lovely and they are somewhere that you can go and relax and you can have a big bed like Shaquille O’Neil. Shaquille O’Neal has a 30-foot bed. Who has a 30-foot bed in their house? Just imagine having something like that and relaxing and just saying I’m home. And you can have a lot of go-carts out in front of your house to ride in.”

Q: What is your most prized possession and something that you could not live without?

A: “Candy, I love candy. I love candy bars and snacks. If they didn’t make snacks and junk food then I would be lost. I wake up in the morning eating honey buns. (Strength and Conditioning) Coach Yoxall wants us to gain weight and I tell him that I eat good food and then he asks what I have been eating. I always tell him that I’ve had two Little Debbie snacks, some brownies, and some cookies. He always tells me that is not going to help me gain weight, but I love snacks. I would eat snacks over any kind of healthy food any day.”

Q: If you had to be stranded on a deserted island for one month, which one of your teammates would you want to bring with you and why?

A: “I would bring Tre Smith because he is the most unique person ever. He thinks of the most amazing things. If we were on a deserted island we would probably sit around and think about what he brought up yesterday. He said ‘What if a team was on the 50-yard line and they had to kick a field goal to win the game and you had somebody like Carl Stewart who has a 42-inch vertical? If the team kicks the ball and they are barely going to make it and it is just going to graze inside the goalpost and you have Carl jump up and block it before it gets there, would that be OK? And would they count that? What could they do? That is a really good question because there is no goaltending in football so they couldn’t do anything about it because Carl just jumps up and blocks it.’ Tre is just wild and he is exciting and good to be around so I would bring Tre Smith.”

Q: Out of all of your teammates, who would make the best politician?

A: “Will Herring would make the best politician because he is very smart. He is a smart guy and if you want to argue with him about something you have to have your facts. Arguing with him is like arguing with a lawyer. He has all the information online and he is ready and he can back up anything. So I think that Will would make a good politician. He should run for governor of Alabama or mayor of Auburn.”

Q: What is your favorite Auburn tradition and why?

A: “The rolling of Toomer’s corner because I had never experienced something so amazing in my life. When I came to Auburn I saw all of these people huddled around this tree and I was like, ‘What is this?’ You have all of these people and they have all of this toilet paper. They have soft toilet paper and every kind of toilet paper and they are all throwing it at a tree. I was like ‘Why are they throwing all of this toilet paper at a tree?,’ and they told me that they were rolling Toomer’s corner. I asked who is going to clean all of this mess up and they told me that the wind would blow it all away or the rain would wash it down. They said sometimes they have people come clean it up and I said that I wouldn’t want to have to clean up all of this toilet paper.”

Q: What is your best talent outside of football?

A: “Drawing. I like to draw, if you consider that a talent. I like to disguise myself as other people, too. I call that a talent. I like telling people that I am somebody else. I tell people that I play water polo and if they ask me what position I play I tell them right water. I don’t even know if that is a position but I tell them that I play right water.”

Q: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

A: “In ten years from now I see myself being on the beach just lounging. I just want to lounge around in a nice beach house and I will have a four-wheeler on the beach so I can drive around. I just want to be able to hang around and have fun. I also see my traveling around the world. I want to go to little islands that are just out there somewhere far and I would also like to go to Europe. I’ve never been to Europe or Paris. I want to go somewhere like Fiji or Tahiti.”

Link to original interview