Poor You

Jay came over with food tonight. “extra” food, as he calls it, as if he would have no use for it in the future. He did the same thing to me last week with roast beef and a bike.

Tonight it was lasagna and a bike lock.

You think of me as incapable of taking care of myself and you are not the only one, but thanks for at least thinking of me Jay. Thanks again.

What would I do without your charity?

The Roads Don't Love You and They Don't Pretend to

When you have just quit your job and you are intentionally living a 48 hour pointless existence in your room alone with your music and your darkness and it's raining outside, nothing is cooler than listening to every song that Stephin Merritt and his Magnetic Fields recorded.

Awesome seclusion action on this action packed Tuesday evening, sports fans!

69 Love Songs info

The Charm of the Highway Strip info

Go bite a donut...

I Am On a Packed Dance Floor

Tonight, I remembered why I started this blog in the first place. I started this blog just after I was fired from my last job. Back then, I knew that what I was about to go through was going to be very hard and I was very depressed and I needed something creative to focus on. I wanted to document the shit I was going through and hopefully show the beginning and the end of this struggle online for people to watch develop. I thought up the name “The Suspense is Killing Me”, as if what you were about to read was going to be a story and everybody reading was waiting for the dramatic end. How exiting it was going to be! Then I got a job and I started posting boring observations and then some photos and this blog turned into pretty much like every other piece of shit thing you see online.

Things change. It comes and goes. Get used to it.


I – Money

A few months ago, my Canada and Ontario student loans ended their 5 year limit of interest relief. When you are on interest relief, you don’t have to make monthly payments, but interest is still added to the outstanding balance. I owe something like 24 thousand dollars to the government in student loans, Ontario being something like 4 grand and Canada being the big remainder.

Right now, my Canada loan has been sent to a collection agency and I await their first friendly phone call. Should be good times when that happens. The Ontario loan is in a holding pattern right now and I have to make payments of 15 dollars every month for 6 months. After the six months pass I figure that will go to a collection agency as well.

I’ve owed my dentist about 400 bucks for almost 2 years now. I’ve gotten it down to about 90 so far, but they are threatening to send me to a collection agency for the money.

Taxes were due last month. I didn’t even bother to do them because I know I will be owing money, most likely over 200.

Sandra took me to see Green Day a few weeks ago and it was an incredible concert that I will remember for the rest of my life as one of the best performances I have ever seen, but on the 40 minute walk home the only thing that I could think of was “That’s another 70 bucks I owe to somebody.”

3 weeks ago, I had a meeting with my bosses at work. They told me if I don’t make 4000 dollars for the company this month, I am fired. In my current situation, I know I am not in the right mindset to be confident enough on the phone to convince a complete stranger to buy something they have never heard of before. If I were them, I wouldn’t listen to me either… I will be out of a job before the next sun rises. I am afraid that if I go in tomorrow, I am going to have the anxiety attack that I think I am on the brink of.


II - The Unreal

I went to see Star Wars tonight and it was amazing. As I watched the movie, the real world went away and I thought of nothing but the story. What a great experience that was. When I came home, I checked my bank balance. 150 bucks. The real world came back and I felt helpless again.

One hour into writing this, I went out for a smoke and watched the spotlights from the hockey arena downtown light up the clouds. The Moon was almost full as well and there was a cool glow to all the clouds. I watched the spotlights make circles in the sky for 2 minutes and thought “Wow. That would make an amazing 4 second exposure shot if I could learn how to do it…”. The real world went away and all I thought of was the photo that I was seeing in my head.

I’ve been that way my whole life. I concentrate so much on things that are supposed to be secondary thoughts that the important things go away and don’t return in time to save me. It’s too hard and confusing to concentrate on money and people and life and being normal, why not just forget about all of that and “dream”? Man, I would make a great drug dealer!


III - Sand Dune

On Saturday, Sandra and I went out and did stuff. It was fun to get out and do stuff. She’s awesome, that Sandra is; always trying to help me and being there and all that. She wants and needs and deserves more than what I am able to give her, and yet she is still there, which is comforting to know.

I know that I need to get out more to get better, but when I am in a certain kind of mood, being around people that are happy and wanting to have a good time has the opposite effect on me and makes me feel a whole lot worse. I feel like shit for admitting it, but nothing can make me feel better when I am determined to feel like shit. Just leave me alone and remember that I would be nothing without you. That sounds like an oxy-moron, doesn’t it?

She’s professed her love to me. She was really worried I would freak out about that when she told me. Why would anyone get angry at being told that someone loves them? It’s a great thing to know. I wish I could be what she wants and hold her hand and send her flowers and tell her that I love her as well, but I am not strong or smart enough right now to be that. Having someone being in love with me is a confusing thing to me right now and I still don’t understand a lot about it so I don’t want to write about that right now.


IV – The Real

Ever wonder what’s in a person’s mind when they have an anxiety attack?

“The world is attacking me, making me do things that I don’t want to do. All I want to do is go home. I think I am having a heart attack. I hate being forced into things like this right out of nowhere. I can’t breathe. I am on a packed dance floor full of happy people and I am just standing there not dancing and everybody is looking at me. My chest feels numb. I can’t feel my mind. I don’t want any of this I just want to go home and I know I look as uncomfortable as I feel right now and everybody knows it I don’t want anyone to tell me what to do and the world is always doing that my head is full of bees and I can’t hear anything I can’t concentrate I can’t concentrate I have to get out of here I really have to get out of here.”

For good or ill, tomorrow is another day.

Being Fired in Six Business Days

The Process

Your karma, which is the deepest level of your mind, exists throughout your life, but it is only fully awakened and realized at the moment of death. As each of the following levels of consciousness end, the following level increases in capacity

The 8 Levels of the Mind:

1 – Mirage. The cessation of Earth.
Bones and skin fade, loosing its hardness. Your body becomes thinner with old age. The water elements increase in the body.

2 – Smoke. The cessation of Water.
Blood and other liquids in your body dry up. Your mouth dries up; your sinuses become dry, etc. The fire elements in your body increase.

3 – Fireflies. The cessation of Fire.
Heat in your body diminishes, either from feet upwards to the head, or from the head downwards. Wind elements in your body increase.

4 – Flame of a Candle. The cessation of Wind.
Movement, breathing, beating of the heart ends. Consciousness increases in the mind. At this point, you would be considered medically dead, but consciousness still exists within the mind.

5 – Vivid White Sky.
Your consciousness is total whiteness, also described as a clear sky filled with moonlight. Conceptual thought ends. A subtle state of subject and object remains.

6 – Vivid Red Sky.
Your consciousness turns into a very vivid red or orange vastness, like a clear sky filled with sunlight.

7 – Vivid Black Sky.
Your consciousness is total blackness. This is called “near-attainment”. At this point, you are aware, but eventually you loose this as you slip into even darker blackness.

8 – Clear Light.
You become fully aware, also called the fundamental innate mind of clear light. It is this state that is the most pure and powerful level of consciousness. Some people stay in this state for a few weeks, or just a few minutes. In Buddhism, this state of a clear light mind has been achieved by some monks for up to 17 days after death, without decomposition of the body.



(this was ripped directly from the Dali Lama's book: How to Practice. Thanks Dali, you rock)