Get comfortable. The happy ending might take a while.
Aug 27, 2005
My Favourate Action Shot of Keanu Reeves
What is that? Campbells Chunky Soup? Perhaps a home-made stew? Some kind of mysterious gravy and corn mixture? Only Keanu and the gutter know for sure.
I love this photograph of Keanu Reeves. It’s like he’s really using all of his amazing high quality acting skills at this point, giving his all to the role, making the viewer actually believe he his leaning out of a car and sadistically vomiting into the gutter... Truly, Keanu is an actor with no equal.
P.S. Here’s some more hit notes:
- Someone found my story "The Perfect American Media Story" by Yahoo searching for "parking garage rape story". Nice. I hope they enjoyed it.
- Someone actually clicked on "Elderly Amputee Midget Scat Porn is Here" when searching on Yahoo for "amputee porn". I bet they were disappointed when they arrived here and I bet I was amused and glad that they were disappointed and I bet I will get more hits from this post for people looking for more "amputee porn" and I will be equally glad and amused when those idiots are equally disappointed... I could go on quoting dumb keywords like this forever, but I won't... Hay, Keanu Reeves!
Also, I have discovered that most people are finding me recently because of two reasons: the news stories I have blatantly ripped off from other sites and provided a link to in my posts (e.g. Hunter S. Thompson, Cameron Diaz, Katie Holmes) and keyword searches, such as; blow job, sex, scat, porn, pedophilia.
Don’t you just love/hate/adore/despise/fucking can’t stand/absolutely love the internet? Don’t you just?
By the way, if you are a big fan of Keanu Reeves and you would like to link to this picture of Keanu Reeves vomiting on your Keanu Reeves Geocities shrine of Keanu Reeves pictures, please use the following banner that I have created to link to this article about Keanu Reeves and Keanu Reeves and Keanu! Fucking Keanu!!!
Hunter S. Thompson's grand finale went off as planned: His ashes were blasted into the night sky in an explosion friends and fans agreed he would have loved. But some said the gonzo journalist would have sneered at the Hollywood trappings — champagne toasts by movie stars and former presidential candidates.
Filmmaker Nancy Cohen tried to organize a group of 100 fans outside the gates of Thompson's farm to crash the Saturday night party.
"That's what Hunter would have done," she said.
"This looks more like a fancy dress ball than a memorial for a counterculture icon," said Cohen, of New York, producer of "My Dinner With Abbie," a film about 1960s radical activist Abbie Hoffman.
Crashing the party would have been difficult with the dozens of black-clad security guards who lined the roads leading to the farm.
"It looks like the neighborhood has been invaded by the Viet Cong," friend and neighbor Mike Cleverly said of the guards.
"I am pretty sure it isn't how Hunter would have done it," said longtime friend George Stranahan.
The writer's ashes were fired from atop a 15-story tower modeled after Thompson's logo: a clenched fist, holding a peyote button, rising from the hilt of a dagger. It was built between his home and a tree-covered canyon wall.
The guests gathered in a pavilion next to the platform. Inside were blow up sex dolls and a mask of Thompson's arch enemy, late President Richard Nixon. With drums beating in the background, trays of champagne circulated before Thompson's remains flew.
Thompson shot himself in his kitchen Feb. 20, apparently despondent over his declining health.
The national and most local media were barred from the tribute to the groundbreaking writer who was credited, along with Tom Wolfe and Gay Talese, with helping pioneer New Journalism — he dubbed his version "gonzo journalism" — in which the writer was an essential component of the story.
His only son, Juan Thompson, said the hundreds of celebrities, including actors Johnny Depp and Bill Murray, musician Lyle Lovett and former Democratic presidential nominees George McGovern and Sen. John Kerry, wouldn't have felt comfortable with the press around.
Depp, who played Thompson in the 1998 film adaptation of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," paid for the $2.5 million extravaganza. Depp and Juan Thompson embraced as the ashes fell to the ground.
Juan Thompson told the Aspen Daily News that the ceremony not only fulfilled the vision his father outlined in a 1978 BBC video, but it "was bigger than he ever imagined."
Ralph Steadman, who illustrated many of Thompson's works, had a different take on the extravaganza.
"He'd probably say it wasn't quite big enough," said Steadman. "We want him back. (Saturday night) was a kind of pleading for him to come back. All is forgiven."
edit: Due to the SEVEN bullshit comments posted since this entry was added, I have added word verification for people that would like to comment on one of my posts. Fuck you, spammers! I don't want to buy insurance of fucking v1c0d1n or your 12 year old sister! Please die!
This vocations poster was the brainchild of Father Jonathan Meyer, associate director of youth and young adult ministry for the Archdiocese of Indianapolis.
"Just as Keanu Reeves fought against the powers of evil, a priest comes to help people fight against sin. There is a battle out there," explained Father Jonathan Meyer, associate director of youth and young adult ministry for the Archdiocese of Indianapolis.
He made the comments in an interview with Catholic News Service about a new vocations recruitment poster being distributed by his archdiocese. The poster, which is modeled after an advertisement for the movie "The Matrix," is the brainchild of Father Meyer. It features a priest in full cassock - and the requisite Roman collar - holding a cross in one hand and a rosary in the other. And he is wearing sunglasses. That simple juxtaposition provides the mood Father Meyer said he was aiming for when creating the poster - he wanted to say something about today's seminarian. "Today's seminarian," he said, "is engaged with the world but is also committed to orthodoxy, like (Pope) John Paul II."
Father Meyer said the poster, on which he is featured as the "Matrix"-style priest, had its origins in a skit that he saw during his first year at the North American College, the U.S. seminary in Rome. The skit, put on by a group of older seminarians, was based on the film. In it, a group of priests fought Satan in a series of mock martial-arts confrontations. The concept was really brought to life, however, in a meeting with the archdiocese's Youth Council. During the meeting, the concept of Father Meyer dressing up as Neo, Reeves' character in "The Matrix," was jokingly suggested by one of the students. "It was one of those things where everyone laughs and then you move on to the next topic. Only after the meeting, I came back to this one," Father Meyer explained.
He then called Missy Scarlet, a friend and a graphic designer, who asked him to do a photo shoot. Within a week they had a working model of the poster.
After a few initial edits, the poster was given a trial run at Our Lady of the Greenwood, in Greenwood, where Father Meyer also serves as associate pastor.
Father Meyer said it got a huge response. "They were going like hotcakes. Young kids wanted them to hang in their bedrooms, high school students wanted them to hang in their lockers," he said. "That is invaluable. If we can get kids to hang a picture of a priest in their room, we've done something huge for vocations." The response, though, seems to make sense to him. It appeals to people at a level that everyone appears to share. "People love heroes. The poster personifies the priest as a hero," he said.
And it speaks of a faith that meets people exactly where they are in their lives. The poster itself says, in a parody of the words which any watcher of videos knows by heart, "This faith has not been modified from its original version. Yet, it is formatted to fit your life."
Distribution for the poster has been widespread. Father Meyer said that since distribution began in November, 1,800 posters have been distributed around the Indianapolis Archdiocese. An order of 100 was recently sent to California and 300 more were shipped to the Diocese of Madison, Wis.
Father Donald Calloway, a member of the Congregation of Marians of the Immaculate Conception, presents the poster as a part of the talk he gives nationwide called "No Turning Back."
And the poster was featured at a recent Indianapolis archdiocesan high school rally. At the rally, 500 posters were distributed during a "big tae kwon do number" performed to music from the movie, Father Meyer noted.
Okay. There's a few things I want to say about this article. First of all, what the fuck?
Second of all, seriously what the fuck!?
Third of all, I would like to repeat this quote from the priest, as it is really weird: "Father Meyer said the poster, on which he is featured as the "Matrix"-style priest, had its origins in a skit that he saw during his first year at the North American College, the U.S. seminary in Rome. The skit, put on by a group of older seminarians, was based on the film. In it, a group of priests fought Satan in a series of mock martial-arts confrontations." Okay, once again I must say "what the fuck?". Are priests normally doing this kind of thing in Rome, performing "skits" that involve sci-fi movies in dark basements possibly filled with sweaty pre-teen boys? I no longer doubt that odd reality now that I have read this article.
Fourth of all, this priest has a friend named "Missy Scarlet"? Whatever! If you are going to make up a fake person for your messed up religious agenda, at least come up with a name that dosen't sound like some disgusting porn actress! Something shady is going on here with this priest is what I say.
My Tank is Fight: a public apology to Zack Parsons
For those of you who don’t know, I happen to live next door to a man named Zack Parsons, a noted comedy writer on the internet. Recently in my neighborhood there had been a number of incidents that involved Mr. Parsons’ dog using my yard to relieve himself, leaving me to clean it up. Well, I made the mistake of trying to retaliate in a very immature and foolish way. I attempted to go to the bathroom on Mr. Parson’s back porch and I was caught doing so by his girlfriend. I deeply regret doing this and at the strong requests/demands of Mr. Parsons, I have done the following;
- I have written this public apology here on my blog
- I have informed everyone on my e-mail list of this public apology
- I have posted links to this blog on the internet forums that I frequent. I believe Mr. Parsons has done this as well.
- I have provided free publicity for the book Mr. Parsons is currently in the process of writing, My Tank Is Fight (see below).
I have followed these demands to the best of my ability in hopes of stopping any more pain and suffering to come to myself and my loved ones.
--Apology--
Mr. Parsons, I am really, very, very, really badly sorry for attempting to shit on your porch.
I am so very sorry for any sorrow that I might have caused you or your dog or your lovely girlfriend. Okay? If there is anything that I can do for you to make your life just a little bit better, you just let me know. Don’t take that the wrong way though! It’s not that I think your life needs any kind of improvement of course because I personally think that you are totally awesome. I really don’t want you to think that I offered to make your life better because I wanted you to think that I think that I think that your life is not very good. I think that your life is perfect, the ideal of all lives in fact!
I am really sorry okay?
Mr. Parsons has also told me to promote a book he is writing and I will comply with this demand as well. I just don’t want anyone to get hurt. That’s all that matters for me.
Okay, so Zack Parsons is a writer and he’s a good one as well. I am not saying that to sound sarcastic at all. I really mean that. He has teamed up with Kensington Publishing and is writing a book about the odd inventions that were brainstormed during World War 2 and he’s currently calling this project “My Tank Is Fight”. It’s going to be a unique combo of interesting facts and amusing comments the likes of which has never been previously seen in book form.
There will be illustrations as well for you to look at in “My Tank Is Fight”; black and white ones by Mike Doscher and colour ones by Josh Hass, examples of which I have included in this formal apology.
Any more info that you want about “My Tank Is Fight” is located here. It's a fantastic idea for a book and looks to be quite intresting. You could use it as a stocking stuffer next Christmas if you wanted to! I would suggest that you sign up for the mailing list. If you do, you will gain access to a free chapter of the book to download before the book is released!
All your demands have now been met, Mr. Parsons. Now, give me back my daughter!
By clicking on this link, you will magically travel the vast internet and arrive at Tom Fletcher's photos of the unique architecture of New York City... Cool stuff.
After a bit of navigation on that site, we discover the seemingly normal looking building on 77 Water Street , New York City. Well, this boring 26 floor building has a World War One Sopwith Camel (complete with runway) on it’s roof that was placed there for artistic value by the owners in hopes of it becoming a conversation piece for employees looking out of the neighboring and taller skyscrapers nearby (which used to include the World Trade Center actually). The architect that designed the building was quoted saying "[The model sopwith camel plane was built] solely for the delight of denizens of neighboring skyscrapers.” There's more pics and lots of information about the plane here.
Is this the coolest thing in New York that nobody knows about, or am I crazy?... Very cool stuff.
Finally, we have a cool picture of the aforementioned WWI plane and runway taken from a space satellite. The image is labeled with a copyright "2005 Sanborn". I say this because I don’t want to get sued and also because I have never heard of Sanborn, but they seem very cool stuff as well.
(this title is merely here to see what kind of hit results I get from Yahoo. Hits from Yahoo is the real topic of this post. This post is not about old naked midgets with missing limbs smearing shit all over themselves. If you came here hoping for something like that, I am sorry to disappoint you and you are also a sick son of a bitch and get off my internet.)
Yahoo.com has "The Suspence is Killing Me" listed recently in some search results. This is a new thing and hasn’t happened before and it's quite cool. Here’s some stats (the link stats I am quoting will change very, very quickly and actually changed while I was writing this. I am quoting what I found at the time of this post.)
- Search for “Remeron blog” gets me the 69th link. Who clicks on the 69th link for any search? I never have.
- Search for “gibson+peter+roadsworth” gets me the 7th link. This is cool. I worked on that post for a while and more people need to know about this guy.
- Search for “nasty stuff” gets me the 64rd link. Who searches for “nasty stuff”!? And second of all, why the hell am I on that list? Third of all, why is 63 sites beating me to this title? - Finally,Search for “greenday songlists” gets me the first unsponsered link! What the hell?
Thanks Yahoo for the hits! If you were a man and I were a woman, I would seriously consider allowing you to impregnate me with your man seed so we might produce the bastard child of Yahoo, which I would call Vincent. Why Vincent? What would you suggest; Yahoo II? That’s a stupid name. Why do we always have to argue?... I want a divorce!
(by the way, if you use Yahoo to actually search for "Elderly Amputee Midget Scat Porn", you get this site, which is pretty hardcore stuff, but sadly there is no old legless midgets shitting themselves on there. Damn Yahoo won't deliver on my need to see old midgets with no legs eating their own crap! Damn you, Yahoo. And you call yourself a search engine...)
Years ago, I used to have this cool idea about how I would just leave and go off into some forest with a tent and some pots and pans and live that way for a while. Maybe a long while. Whenever I would drive up north and go through the rural areas before reaching the cottage, I would look at the huge patches of trees in the middle of some farmers crops and wonder how long those small forests had been empty and how cool it would be to just sit in the middle of all those trees in complete silence for a while.
I recently read “Into the Wild” by Jon Krakauer, the story of Chris McAndless going off into the empty space located in the center of Alaska to live with only a bag of rice and a rifle. It’s an incredible story! After reading this, I picked up an awesome book of Zen essays called "A Flower Does Not Talk" and it's filled with thoughts on "emptiness" and "silencing the mind" and "dying while remaining alive". It's amazing stuff. These two books have started me thinking again about my old daydreams of going off on my own somewhere to find quiet.
I’m actually getting to the point where I am scoping out places to do this little test of will.
The night would be a little frightening, wouldn’t it? Monsters don’t exist, but they totally would exist in the forest by myself at night.
Hot Teacher Boinks 13 Year Old, Goes to Jail For 9 Months
MCMINNVILLE, Tenn. — A former elementary school teacher pleaded no contest to having sex with one of her students, a 13-year-old boy, and has been sentenced to nine months in jail.
Pamela Rogers Turner, 28, entered the plea Thursday, allowing her to avoid a trial on multiple charges of sexual battery and statutory rape.
Turner, who had taught physical education and coached girls basketball for two years at Centertown Elementary, had trouble speaking as she tried to enter her plea. She was accused of having sex with the boy at his home and at school between November and January.
"I can't even talk," she told Circuit Court Judge Bart Stanley.
After Turner is released from jail, she will be on supervised probation for the rest of an eight-year suspended sentence. The judge also ordered her to surrender her teaching certificate and said she would be registered as a child sex offender. The sentence prohibits her from profiting from the case and does not allow interviews.
District Attorney Dale Potter has said Turner lived at the boy's house "for a brief period of time when she was moving from residence to residence."
The mother of the teenager in the case previously described Turner as a family friend and said she hoped there would not be a trial. Potter said Thursday that was part of the reason for the plea agreement.
Turner was a college homecoming queen and basketball player who once appeared as a bikini-clad promoter for a professional wrestling match. Her husband, Chris Turner, filed for divorce in January, at the same time she was indicted.
This is just a bit of a tech update on this blog is all this is, more for my own personal benifit than yours actually. Come to think of it, this whole damn thing is more for me than you... In fact, what are you doing here? I don't even know you. How dare you read my personal blog... Fucker.
- Added the "e-mail post" link after each post which is a cool feature that I should have had from the begining.
- Removed Sand's MySpace link because she deleted it. Oh well. I am glad she gave it a shot. Blogging is not for everybody.
- Changed frontpage postcount from 13 to 10 for no real reason. The frontpage was getting long.
- "Older Shit" archives changed finally to take up less space and look at bit better, which actually was the only thing I was intending to change when I turned my computer on tonight, but whatever.
Oh, and I threw up lastnight. My stomach was empty so there was some major heaving going on let me tell you. It was still a pretty bad experience, but at least I hadn't eaten corn chips and chugged orange juice and smoked a joint beforehand. Don't get me started on that memory! I am documenting this on the internet becuase that's what blogs are for, right?
Finally finished writing the tale of when I was being stalked by a 300+ pound married Wicca welfare Mom.
It happened nearly 6 years ago and I remember telling the story many time to friends and eventually wrote it down about 2 years ago, but never liked the way it was.
I decided to stop trying to make it better and I rewrote it as true as possible to actual events and put it on my section of Winterwind Productions; Written Warning (which is coming along quite nicely).
All the things I knew I didn't know and didn't want to knowthat you told me just to tell me later that you'd told me socome flooding back to me now.
All the things you said you'd never say and you said anyway, the things we did and didn't do,the things we did and didn't docome flooding back to me now.
I stunned myself last weekend by actually enjoying myself at the cottage with my family. I didn’t expect to have a good time and planned on not going for the whole time up until four days beforehand. My brother Phil decided to drive the two hours to London to pick me up and then drive two hours back for some reason. I figured Phil was going to chew me out about not having a job for the 2 hour ride to Brampton and figured he was coming to pick me up for the sole purpose of doing so. It didn’t happen though. We listened to music and ate Frank & Gus pizza and just chilled out together the whole ride.
At the cottage finally, I was as quiet as I normally am, but there were times when I made the well timed witty comment or the right answer. I made every brother of mine laugh at least once and they never teased me like they normally do. I also had good moments with the new members of the family; almost 1 year old Zack and nearly 2 year old Shayla (Shayla’s gonna be a really cute kid). The only shitty thing was that my mom was off doing other things the whole time and couldn’t see me having a good time. I really wanted her to see me have a good time, which is actually one of the main reasons I wanted to go. She worries about me way too much.
Spent a lot more time with Jay this weekend than I normally do. Phil and Tim have their new families to take care of, so there’s not much extra activity you can do with them, so it was Jay and I a few times doing stuff. I took the paddle boat out to the step bridge on the other side of the lake basically because I had never done it and Jay followed me back in the kayak, just chatting about things and bumping into me and stuff.
I am still quite happy about this realization that I am most comfortable when I make my own decisions. Last month I was invited to a party and instead of doing my standard thing and going with what Sandra was doing and just following her plans, I decided to ride my bike to the party. I was in control of when I came and went and it made me quite comfortable while I was at the party. The same thing happened last weekend. I had no real idea how I was going to get home. Phil wasn’t going to drive me back and Jay was on his motorcycle. Tim offered to take me back to Port Dover with him and hang out there for a few days and then take me into his job on Thursday (which would have been today actually) and put me on a truck back to London. I didn’t like the idea, but I appreciated the offer and said I would think about it. By the next day, I had decided to pay the forty bucks and take the train direct to London instead and everyone I told this to said “Oh. I thought you were going back with Tim.” Why would they think that? Because it was offered and it was free? Because it left the responsibility to someone other than me?
I took the train home and enjoyed it, even though there were the standard annoying delays.
My mom never saw me have the good time that I had had at the cottage and she still worries about me.
Wow, this entry got long… Anyway, that was my pretty fun weekend. It was good to get away.
