The Eastern Time Zone Is Having a Party

I have to stop being who I really am.


Happy New Year.

I Once Woke On a Sunday Morning With a Purpose. That Was a Long Time Ago

No one ever gets to see an image like this when they walk by this part of the street.
I love this shot. It's one of the best pics I have ever taken.

I'm Not Here & This Isn't Happening

The Internets

I have nothing to say today, so I steal this comedy from Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka of SomethingAwful fame, but I redeem myself by providing a link to his site and also saying that he is a nice person and never kicks dogs either...

Don't You Just Love Old Cartoon Repeats?

The standard routine began Christmas morning, December 25th... Christmas morning is a thing you can always rely on being exactly the same every time; as reliable as church bells, the sun rising and fags wearing rainbow patches on their backpacks; it’s something you know is going to be the same every time...

Well, maybe not forever...

After the opening of the gifts (a theme gift was given to each of the brothers… with one exception) and then breakfast (begun while everyone was seated… with one exception), nothing really was planned for the remainder of the day. Usually people go away to their assigned sleeping areas of the house and either read or (most of the time) have a nap for a few hours. It was at this time of the Christmas routine that I went up to the "sewing room", sat back in the comfy leather chair with a nice tall rum and coke and watched the movie “Godzilla vs. Megalon”, a gift given to me as a joke. The movie was hilarious and a lot of fun to watch. During the film, I found myself telling Jet Jaguar; "watch out for Megalon! He's right behind you!", "Don't worry, Jet Jaguar... Godzilla is almost there to save the universe... again!" Good times. The time I had spent alone with myself in my room watching a shitty movie was my fondest memory of Christmas 2004...


“Will my car get towed if I park it there?”

“I don’t think so. No, they wouldn’t do that at this time of year. No. It's okay.”

“Well, if it gets towed, it’s all your fault. It will be a big problem if my car gets towed and you said everything would be good this year. You lied to me.”

“...... Do you want me to go and move your damn car!?”

“No I don’t, because when it gets towed, I will get to blame it on you for years and years years and getting my car towed on Christmas would be worth it so I can do that to you... You got any susage rolls? You never feed me anything!”

The Sky Gave Forth Twenty Feet of Snow. Twenty, I Swear!

Purple and orange squigglys, then red ones, then white ones! I don't like squigglys.

My Bulletproof Mask Shall Not Fail Me This Holiday Season

All I want this year for Christmas is a really weird looking wooden cross eyed nippleless skydiving baby Jesus statue that looks like it's been covered in barbeque sauce and looks freakishly like Gary Shandling and has legs as thick as a canned ham... and I don't think I'm the only one.

I'm convinced. Gary Shandling is the second coming of Christ. Check out this image. Am I rite? Wait. Gary Shandling is a Jew... This might cause problems. Jihad problems!

Off to the family in the northlands tomorrow... Good Christmas to all...

Teen's Dying Wish for Cameron Diaz Blow Job Not Granted

PHILADELPHIA: The parents of 15-year-old leukaemia patient Josh Morten, who last night passed away after a four year battle with the illness, said they were sorry not to have fulfilled his dying wish to get a blow job from Cameron Diaz.

The courageous teenager told his family two months ago that the one thing he'd really like before he died was to be sucked off by the successful Hollywood actress and former model.

"Josh never asked for much," his father confided. "He never complained about his illness, or made unrealistic demands. So when he requested fellatio from the star of Charlie's Angels and There’s Something About Mary we thought, sure, that’s the least we can do for him."

But attempts to grant Josh his dying wish proved much more difficult than the family had initially thought. Formal requests inviting the star to perform oral sex on their dying son were repeatedly declined. "We wrote, we rang, we faxed," Mr Morten explained. "And every time it was the same answer: 'Sorry, Ms Diaz is currently unable to comply with your request.' I mean, how unsympathetic can you get? We're talking about a dying kid here! Would it kill her?"

Mr Morten even made a special trip to Los Angeles, to try to talk to the movie star personally outside the premiere of Gangs of New York. "The crowds were ten deep," he said, "and I'm there yelling out to her from the back: 'Will you go down on my son please!', but she didn’t want to know."

With hopes diminishing by the day, Mr Morten placed similar standby requests with the agents representing Catherine Zeta Jones, Jennifer Lopez and Salma Hayek, but in each case the stars refused to co-operate.

"Who do they think they are, these women!" railed Mr Morten. "They earn millions of dollars and swan about at fancy parties, but when they get a simple request to bring a smile to a young boy far less fortunate than them, they turn their back on you. What kind of world do we live in when a dying teenager can no longer get his cock sucked by a celebrity?"

Link to story

Has to be fake, but it made me chortle and guffaw nonetheless.

Donna From Raleigh is a Very Nice Person

Someone who I have never met before sent me the "Zombie 2" dvd, chocolate coins, a hand knit pirate beer can cozy and a pirate action figure for Christmas. She's from Raleigh, NC and she is awesome.

I don't know who you are, but thank you! Out of millions of nasty things on this here internet, it's good to see there are nice things that can happen.

Thanks Donna, whoever you are...

Thanks as well to Lowtax and the SomethingAwful Forums for making this happen.

How Does It Happen?

"My sign's a metaphor. I don’t really know what a metaphor is, but – hey sir, spare some change?"

I have deprived myself of using my walkman for almost a week. I have too much to think about without using another form of escape like the radio. But today is Saturday, so I used it on my daily walk downtown. Tracy Chapman sang to me about a fast car and I lost myself. Thanks Tracy. You rock.

As I was walking, I decided that when I got to the library, I was going to read myself up on the subject of autism, which is odd because I really had no intrest in it before. Today, I was not one to argue with a new idea, so when I got there, I picked up an autism book and started to read. It's pretty wild stuff, that autism is.
After about 40 minutes, I was joined in my quiet corner of the library by an Asian woman who began taking books off the shelf and putting them on a nearby desk and talking Chineese on her cel phone the whole time. My whole mind was fixed on this woman and her pacing back and forth. I couldn't concentrate on my reading anymore. I really wanted to ask her; "Excuse me? Did you come to the library to read, or to talk on your phone?", which sounds rude, but I was pretty curious. She was trying to be polite and was not talking very loud or anything, but my world had been torn asunder. I could no longer read where I was sitting. I moved about 20 feet away and continued to read about autism for another 20 minutes.

After the austistic reading about autism surrounded by Asian women on cel phones, I went to Kingsmill's to buy my Mom a Christmas present. I really love Kingsmill's but never get to go there because it's where the rich people go to get proper service and get it immediately, which I have never been one to demand. I was there five minutes and found something for her and left, in no mood to browse the higher life.

Hey, Gord! Seriously, what the fuck?

I saw someone I used to work with in a parking lot at the local giant big box food center today. I couldn't get a really good handle on him because I was walking really fast and he was behind his dark blue SUV with his wife. They were both busy storing bags full of cereal and fruit and chicken and milk and gifts from Jesus and Santa, which I assume is what the the standard family unit is wont to do when they are alone in a silent moment together behind their SUV's together on a late December afternoon.

Anyway, I think it was Gord from my old Sykes job that I saw. I am pretty sure of it.

Gord was one of those "older guys" in the telemarketing mosh pits, full of college kids that don't give a fuck about anything. Gord just came in and did his job with the rest of us.

A few months after I was told to leave Sykes, I was told that "older guy" Gord was escorted out of the building by actual police men for possesion of child pornography. Child pornography! It was quite a shock to hear. It was in the newspapers. I mean, he seemed normal. He seemed okay.

After over one year of keeping him in my subconsious memories and distant thoughts, I saw him today, and at first I thought it couldn't be him, because how can a person accused of having such a fucked up thing as child porno on his title as a person still have an SUV and a wife supporting him enough to hand him the bags from the shopping cart?

Maybe I was wrong.

It's good to see that people get second chances after fucking up huge.

Gord, I wish you all the best and the best of luck for your future. Thanks for the story you told me about Denise Donlin sucking the dick of some member of a big rock band I can't remember right now, the music trivia about CHUM-FM, the awesome Lumburg imitation that made me scream "Oh my God, it's really Lumberg!" and the awesome (but most likely fake) story about the guy that got hit by the train while listening to Ozzy's "Crazy Train"...

Oh, and Gord; don't look at naked kids anymore, k? That's really messed up stuff. Thanks.

Bowl of Rice for Dinner

My first post (hopefully not last).

I began this on a whim tonight after browsing around on some livejournal sites, which is not something I usually do, but I was out of thoughts. Iv'e done a short and incredibly lame blog years ago, but let it go when I realized no one would ever read it and there was no real point in doing it. I also had nothing to say. I think I might have things to say now.

Times are tough right now and I wanted to document these "tough right now" times somewhere. Blogging sounded like a good idea. I will update the title and more shit as "things" happen.


Got an interview tomorrow for a job at Addeco. There's a credit check involved, so I don't even know why I am even bothering showing up for it. I gotta do something, I guess.